I can't quit, you fired me!

Dear Gup and Dabbles,

It's Q2FY25 in government fiscal year time and Elon Musk's DOGE (Department of Government Efficiency) is in full force, cutting or threatening government employees and government contractors with termination.

---

I've been working in government contracting and have run my own government contracting business for over a decade now, and I've mostly disliked it.

Sure, the money has been good and on occasion I have fun tinkering around in Excel, but for the most part, my position has been, "God I can't believe this is my professional life."

So last month, I made a plan to quit. By the end of the summer, I will leave the day job of sitting around at a government office not doing anything important to pursue...something else, something more creative and fulfilling.

I didn't arrive at the decision easily. It took a lot of careful thought and introspection. I even hired a coach (thanks

Sasha Chapin

) to try to help me NOT quit!

But I arrived at the inevitable conclusion that I should quit, and I felt really good about that decision.

---

A few days ago, my business partner texted me and said his programs might be at risk of getting cut by DOGE.

This triggered some fear in me and my gut reaction was to hold on to my project for as long as possible.

This was strange because I was ALREADY PLANNING ON QUITTING!

DOGE making some cuts to our business would have minimal impact on me if I quit.

But still, the feeling was there.

---

Part of working through the decision to quit was learning about a form of psychotherapy called Internal Family Systems, or IFS.

The core idea is that everyone has these "parts" that represent different parts of their psychology and identity. Some broad buckets for these parts include managers, who, as the title suggests, tries to keep you safe by managing your environment, behaviors and emotions. Firefighters are sort of emotional emergency workers that take dramatic action to guard you against painful emotions. Exiles are sort of inner child personas that have had some sort of painful experiences or trauma.

None of these parts are bad. They serve a purpose. But they can become imbalanced or come into conflict with each other.

In my case, it literally felt like my manager part was in an interminable war with my firefighter part. My inner manager wanted to protect me from financial stress and generally, blowing up my life. My firefighter wanted to extract me from the soul deadening environment of a government gig immediately and send me off to the woods to work on my novel.

Both parts sounded totally reasonable. Well, the firefighter did not sound reasonable, but he certainly sounded fun!

But this war in my head was driving me insane, until I realized that it was a war between those two parts.

Once I acknowledged them, I negotiated a peace-treaty that involved quitting, but with some time-bound constraints.

I felt at peace. I was letting my true "Self" lead, which is the core soul/identity/ego matter that defines who you really are.

---

Having that IFS experience, I quickly realized that my inner manager was feeling threatened again and was just making itself known. It felt threatened because instead of being able to say, "you can't fire me, I quit!," DOGE was going to fire me first such that the inverse was true: "I can't quit, you fired me!"

I once again, acknowledged the manager, thanked it for remaining vigilant, but reassured him our original peace treaty still held, and I felt better.

--

In your twenties (and beyond), you're going to feel conflicted in many domains. Are you going to be practical and take a steady job or take a wild risk and start your own business? Do you follow a boyfriend to another city where you don't know anyone or stay in your hometown?

There are lots of decision-making frameworks out there that could be useful. At a basic level, a pros and cons list, or, if you want to be a consultant nerd about it, you can run a SWOT analysis

But my hunch is, the really hard decisions you have to make, the ones where you decide choice A one day and choice B the next, come down to conflicts between your different parts.

All the parts are trying to help you, but they are also driving you crazy, and making you feel insane.

I want to assure you both that you're not insane, and that there is a way to let your true Self lead.

First, you need to acknowledge that you have different parts and be able to identify them.

I didn't go to therapy, but I read a book about IFS and did a lot of writing and bounced some of my experiences off of ChatGPT.

I identified my manager part and firefighter part when ChatGPT spit out a description of each them that aligned with my thought processes and feelings.

It was a feeling of "oooh that's definitely the manager right there."

Next, once you identify them, you need to thank them for doing their best to help you.

You shouldn't despise them and wish one part would just disappear. IF your manager has been dominant you might resent the firefighter for trying to make you take dangerous risks. Or you might resent the manager for not letting you take enough risks.

But the manager (and the firefighter) was doing its best and you needed them at some point in your life. So thank them.

Finally, you should imagine yourself taking different courses of action and seeing how your gut feels.

For me, I felt a strong agitation and restlessness when I thought about just trying to stick it out in my job. Obviously, my firefighter was acting out.

But when I thought about quitting, my manager would freak out and get me worried about things like 401ks and becoming homeless.

When I thought about quitting, but in a few months instead of immediately, I felt a great sense of relief, like that was exactly the right decision.

When you feel that relief, the true Self has spoken.

----

My wish for both of you, my sweet daughters, is that you don’t spend your lives feeling trapped between competing voices, unsure which one to trust. I want you to know that you are whole, that you have a Self (Selves?) that is wise, calm, and strong enough to guide you through anything.

And of course, if that fails, your wise ol' man can just make your decision for you.

Love,

Dad

PS: Don't follow the boyfriend to a new city, particularly if he has lots of tattoos.