Strong identities, loosely held
Dear Gup and Dabbles,
This morning I completed a four mile run, at a pace of 9:00 minutes/mile.
In the not-so-distant past, I would have berated myself for running so slow because when I was in high school, I was pretty fast.
I wasn’t elite by any means but I ran track and cross country. My mile time was 5:07 and my 5k time was under 18 minutes. I felt proud of myself.
I carried this identity of being an in shape person (with abs!) for a long time
This identity was useful, because it kept fitness and physical health top of mind. Even if I wasn't always consistent about working out, I felt BAD when I didn't and so would never go too long between workouts.
But as you get older, your life fills with more constraints.
In high school, you basically have zero major responsibilities. In college, it’s pretty much the same. Perhaps after college when you get your first job you have limited hours to work out and it requires some light tradeoffs.
Since I became a dad, there have been real constraints. Kids (and by kids, I mean you two) demand a lot, and more importantly, they are disruptive to any sort of consistent planning.
Even if I'm disciplined and can get up early to workout before work, if either of you started crying in the middle of the night, I’d be too tired to do the 5 AM workout.
Because being in shape is part of my identity, my instinct is to berate myself for not maintaining discipline or being tough enough to push through the fatigue.
But this is just my identity trying to fight reality.
The problem is reality always wins, but you can be in a state of denial about this for a long time.
The key then, for all identities that you want to continue to maintain, is to approach them with the attitude of "strong identities, loosely held"
The identities stay strong because you’ll always retain them to some degree.
But holding them loosely means being aware of the very real constraints you have, and then adapting your identity to account for them.
In my case that means accepting I won't be able to work out as frequently as I want, that I might have to let go of my abs, and that I'll have to move up a pants size, at least for a little while.
But I still view myself as a fit person. That will prevent me from totally going down the dad-bod mode route.
As you go through your twenties, you should keep tabs on these open identities you have.
The classic cliche is the former high school football star or prom queen that peaked in high school so they cling on to their glory days, never allowing themselves to move on.
But identities can be subtle and nuanced.
Here's another one of mine that is more subtle: "rational guy."
Since high school I've always viewed myself as a logical person who could reason my way through things to solve problems and navigate life.
But this identity as a rational person has been breaking down, and has in fact, blocked me from being more fully human
For example, for a long time I thought my frustration with government work was that it was inefficient and ineffective. The government did a lot of things that didn't make sense logically for the aims it was trying to pursue.
But it turns out a lot my frustration stems from people (i.e. clients) telling me to do things I didn't want to do. It also turns out that these conflicts are just me psychologically re-enacting some of my childhood fights with my dad and adding a "logic" based explanation for what I was feeling.
Since I've acknowledge this reality, the frequency and intensity of that anger has reduced, and I've become more aware of how my emotion drives my thinking.
So sure, I'm still probably more rational than the average person, but I also have the full range of emotions that anyone else does.
This realization has been a bit of an epiphany in terms of being able to see more possibilities for myself in all domains of my life.
By loosening my grasp on this “rational” identity, I've been able to incorporate my feelings into my behavior and decision making.
There's a biblical lesson from I Corinthians 13:11 (KJV): "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."
This is a lesson in maturity, but I think we can adapt it a bit. Instead of just putting away "childish" things, we can say, "when I became a man, I put away closely held parts of my identity that were no longer true nor serving me."
Not as pithy, but you get the idea.
Clinging too tightly to any identity is going to hinder you. Your twenties are a great opportunity to practice loosening your hold on your identities.
You don’t have to keep pursuing STEM careers just because you were good at high school calculus. You can pursue art if that’s something you want. You don’t have to let your superior math skills dictate your direction in life.
If you were lazy in college it doesn't mean you can't work hard now to get something you want but thought was out of reach because of your work ethic. You can tell yourself a new story declaring yourself to be a hard-working person who puts in the effort when it matters.
Learning to evaluate and loosen your grasp on your identities is a great skill to have. It’ll help you grow, stay sane, and even find joy in the chaos —especially when the chaos has names like Gup and Dabbles.
Love,
Dad